Giving advice to parents and adult children

Oh man! I DON’T WANNA talk about this!

That’s what went through my head when I thought about writing this blog post.

Multiple people asked me to talk about…

• How to have healthy boundaries and mindsets with adult children
• How to love the heck out of adult children while honoring relationship boundaries
• Dealing with difficult parents who don’t want to listen to our advice and counsel

I’m going to give you the advice my own hypnotherapist gave me when I asked him how to get my adult daughter to listen to me…

I kind of hated his answer.

I keep seeing him because I trust his 30 years of experience and I trust him to tell me what actually works (instead of what I want to hear).

He told me,

“Lori, you have to trust your daughter to be an adult and figure this out on her own…

She might make mistakes.

She might do things differently than you’d like.

But if you try to boss her around now that she’s an adult, you will probably damage your relationship.”

That’s a really terrible consequence ☝🏼 because my kids are precious to me… so I decided to listen.

He suggested I say, "I have some ideas that might help. Would you like me to share them?"

Be prepared for her to say no.

If she says yes, you can give your opinion/advice.

If she says no, just love her.”

UGH!

Just love my kid?

But I want to DO something to help!

When I acknowledge that my unsolicited advice is actually driving my kids away…

And when I let myself imagine a worst-case scenario and realize I CAN handle it… even if it happens.

It helps me keep my mouth shut when it’s appropriate to do so.

The more we butt into our kids… and our parents… lives, the more we push them away.

The less loved they feel.

The LESS influence we have over their lives.

When we ask permission first, we make them feel loved and respected.

We stop driving a wedge between us and them.

Ok, I said something outrageous a minute ago so let's talk about it.

I said, “And when I let myself imagine a worst case scenario and realize I CAN handle it… even if it happens….”

We must acknowledge that our unsolicited advice actually INCREASES the odds of them...

• Doing the thing we don’t want them to do
• Wanting us to go jump in a lake
• Feeling inadequate and bad about themselves.

If they don’t want our advice (or even if they do), they might screw up.

In big or small ways.

That. Sucks.

Please know that I’m not making light of your situation.

Sometimes really serious consequences come from poor decisions.

When we act like a control freak, it only makes things worse.

When bad things happen, we FEEL a certain way about it.

That feeling is stressful, so we try to THINK our way out of it.

(Or boss other people around to get out of it.)

But what if…

You CAN feel this and be ok.

Ugh, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking about all kinds of potential things that could go wrong when a person butts out and just loves their kids/parents.

Words cannot express how much my heart goes out to people when bad stuff happens.

But, you know as well as I do that those things will likely happen anyway if we keep smooshing our unwanted opinions on our loved ones.

Only they won’t have us there to comfort them because we will have created a wedge between us and them.

So next time your adult child or parent does something that drives you crazy, I double dare you to say something like this...

“I see you struggling with _______, and I have an idea that might help. or just listen and love you?”

Then honor what they decide.

The first time they say, “Yes, give me your opinion,” you’re gonna feel like a million bucks!

It feels so good to be ASKED for advice.

Since they asked, it skyrockets the odds of them actually doing it.

(They still might not… and that’s ok.)

The first time they say, “No thanks,” it might feel like a punch in the stomach.

Guess what?

You can feel that and be ok.

You can still love them and be kind to them and show them that your relationship doesn’t depend on them listening to your advice.

Haha, I’m giving you advice about not giving advice. 🤣

I double dare you to try this and notice how your level of peace goes up.

Notice how the level of connection and respect in your relationships goes up.

HINT: You can use this for friends and clients as well.

I’ve noticed that… even when people come to me for advice… if I ask them if they want to hear my ideas about something BEFORE I start spewing them… they lean in and are more likely to take action on what I say.

So, to answer the question, “How do I give advice to grown children and parents?”

My answer is… “Don’t.”

Unless they ask for it, then do it with love and respect.

If they don’t ask for advice… or they don’t take your advice when you give it…

It’s ok to love them and be kind to them anyway.

I hope you still love me after hearing this advice.

I love you and I hope this message transforms your most precious relationships.

Love,
Lori

P.S. If you liked this blog post, you'll LOVE my Answer Room hypnosis audio that helps you tap into the best answer for that thing you've been thinking about. Click here to get free, immediate access to the hypnosis audio that unlocks internal answers.