Links from this episode
The Answer Room Audio: www.theimpostermonster.com
Kathy’s Website: www.KathyGruver.com
Get coaching from Kathy: www.KathyGruver.coach
Hypnosis with Kathy: http://www.healingcirclehypnotherapy.com/
Kathy’s Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/DrKathyGruver
Kathy’s Books: http://www.kathygruver.com/store.html
If you were haunted and harassed by your own inner critic, if you've ever been curious about
Why hypnosis works so
Well, if you're a seasoned hypnotist, or if you suspect that the inner critic is actually hypnotizing you to hold back from reaching the greatness that you know, deep down is inside you, lean in and get inspired to get out of your comfort zone and create your one precious life with purpose and intention. If you like this show, you'll love my powerful hypnosis audio, the answer room, because it gives you crystal clear guidance and direction and illuminates an ingenious way to make triumphant decisions. No matter how stuck you feel or how confused you were.
This powerful hypnosis audio is my gift to you. When you go to the imposter monster.com again, that's the imposter monster.com. Don't forget the, the, the imposter monster.com. And yes, I'm done saying it. Thank you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart for listening. I'm Lori Hammond, and I'm truly grateful for you. Okay. I am doing something right
1 (1m 19s):
Brand new and everyone who's listening to my podcast is the first to know about it in January, just in time for new year's resolution, I am releasing at a weight loss program, unlike anything I've done in the past. I've been doing programs like this for about three years now. And this program is going to actually help you create a new set point for your body. So if you feel like your metabolism is broken, or your hormones are out of whack, or you just can't get off that up and down, yo-yo weight loss, rollercoaster. You will love this program because it provides a structured food program, and I've never done something like this before. This is really bold combined with hypnosis to help you achieve that set point and easily arrive at and maintain your ideal weight from now on.
1 (2m 9s):
I would absolutely love to have you there. And the only way you can get in is to private message me on Instagram or Facebook, or to send me an [email protected] That's L O R [email protected] You can find that in the notes, wherever you're watching this video as well, I would absolutely love to have me there. I just finished this podcast with Kathy Gruver, and I'm putting this at the beginning of the audio, because there are a couple of things I want to make you aware of. The first one is that there is some strong language, some appropriately used strong language throughout this episode.
1 (2m 51s):
So if you have little ones around, you might want to cover their ears or play this at another time. And then the second thing is Kathy and I were having some technical as we were recording, and there are places where the audio cuts out and I'm still not sure how this is going to edit through, but it's such valuable content that I ask that you bear with me and that you've listened through the glitches. You will definitely get the gist of the conversation. And I think that you will have so much value. If you listen to this, there are so many nuggets of wisdom, and I hope that you enjoy hearing this as much as I enjoyed recording it, have an amazing day and enjoy the show. Welcome everyone.
1 (3m 31s):
I am so excited today because I have Kathy Gruver and award-winning author professional speaker and former actor with over 30 years experience in mind, body medicine and human behavior and entertainer and educator imbuing, all of her programs with practicality and passion with a West coast mentality and an East coast delivery. Her humorous down to earth, engaging style has captivated audiences on four continents, three cruise ships, and a handful of islands as well as two amazing Ted talks. Kathy has written several books which have garnered 12 awards, hosted a TV series based on her first book, developed a stress reduction program for the us military and co-hosts the fire and earth podcast.
1 (4m 21s):
She has penned to countless articles and appears regularly as a guest on the radio TV and in print media. She recently appeared on the Dr. Phil show, which I think is so awesome and has earned her PhD in natural health and studied mind body medicine at the famed Benson Henry Institute for mind, body medicine at Harvard, Kathy lives in Santa Barbara, California, with her boyfriend, her Guinea pig, Listo, and her cat Alistair for fun and stress relief. This is my favorite thing about Kathy. Kathy does flying trapeze and plays Dungeons and dragons. Thank you so much for being here today. Cathy, you have been an inspiration to me personally, and I am so grateful to have you here.
1 (5m 6s):
So with that introduction, it's so hard for me to even know what to ask you first, but I'll forego the traditional question of why do you do what you do and what do you do? And talk to me about what it was like to go on Dr. Phil show.
2 (5m 20s):
Yeah, it was, it was a crazy stress rollercoaster of a couple of days because when I was, I mean, years back I was doing, I was pitching to shows and I was doing tons of media. And like every day I was pitching media to do stuff and I kind of let that go. I was like, okay, I don't need to do that anymore. Dah, dah, dah. And literally out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon, my boyfriend and I were about to go to the beach and I said, Hey baby. And I'm like, let me just check my email real quick and see if I'm missing anything. And boy was, I glad I checked because it was a producer sent, you know, media media, Dr. Phil show. And I thought, Oh, it's probably, you know, they want me to pay them to like truck pitch me for shows.
2 (6m 4s):
And I opened it up and went, hang on, hold the beach. And he's like, what? And I'm like, I might be going on Dr. Phil. And he's like, what? And so that started three days of, is it happening? Is it not happening? And then when they decided I was a go, it was dope. So it was that kind of hurry up and wait now hurry up thing that I was so used to as an actor that I was so used to when I was doing media stuff. I mean, I remember sitting in my office at like two o'clock in the morning doing sky news London because of the time difference. And that was, again, one of those like, hurry up, we need you now sort of things. And my poor, my poor boyfriend, he's such a sweet, gentle soul.
2 (6m 46s):
He's never seen me go into full blown type, a crazy shit storm thing. So he's standing in our little house and I'm like, what is this? You guys grab that he's with can like, but I should, I deserve something. And he just, just didn't know what to do with me. So it was amazing experience. I was so happy to help. I helped out on the show as a massage expert, gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm not even going to call him that this doofus in the South was accused by about 18 women of sexual assault and weirdness on the massage table. So I came on and kicked his ass a little bit and sort of was the sounding board for Dr. Phil to ask him the right questions and talk about ethics and massage and what massage should be and why his ad was bullshit.
2 (7m 32s):
And you know, that whole thing. So it was, it was amazing and a beautiful experience and crazy until I got there,
1 (7m 39s):
That is so intriguing. I love that. So what was the timeframe between that first email and when you were there? So
2 (7m 46s):
It was about Sunday at one 30 in the afternoon that I got her message. We went back and forth a little bit, and then Monday was my boyfriend as year anniversary. So like I wasn't obsessive checking, but every once in a while, I'd be like, hoping that someone was going to happen Monday night. So full 24 hours, Monday night, and about 10 o'clock at night, we were exhausted. We went parasailing and we had this great dinner and like, we had this great anniversary and I got an email from them saying, can you do some video? You know, can you answer the questions that you did, but on video. And I'm thinking now, I mean, it was like 10, 15 at night and I was in this panic of wait, do they need me to jump on zoom?
2 (8m 26s):
Like, is this camera ready? Like, what do they want? And then the next day we went back and forth a little bit. I finally booked it on Tuesday at like one o'clock in the afternoon. And they needed me onset Wednesday morning at eight 15. So that was packing a suitcase heading to LA getting a rapid COVID task because their safety measures were precise and beautiful. I had clients, I had to cancel, I had clothing, I had to gap there. I had to talk to producers. I had a son contracts I had to, you know, so once they said, yes, it was a two hour whirlwind of getting me down to LA.
1 (9m 2s):
Wow. That's incredible. And is, has that episode aired? Can I link to that in the notes? Okay.
2 (9m 8s):
Did it aired? It's not online. I think
1 (9m 10s):
I've reached out to you before and told you this story, but for the people who are listening, when I first started learning hypnosis, it's just this, like this day, illusion of information. And you find out that there are so many incredible people doing this work and who do I learn from first? And I actually purchased them downloaded all of, I think it was like the 2017 hypno thoughts talks. It might've been 2018 and I just went through them one at a time. And when I got to yours, I was so inspired. And you told, you told stories about overcoming your fears and about connecting and about putting yourself out there. And you're one of the first people that influenced me to let go of my imposter syndrome and to start taking action, even though it was really scary.
1 (9m 56s):
You, you have inspired me with your action and even just what you've said in these first few minutes, you know, the, the sky diving and the parasailing and the trapeze. Tell me a little bit about just what's underneath the way. If I were to crawl inside your mind and listen to your thoughts and think the way you think, talk to me about how you think about business and about living a vibrant, full life. I know that's a big question.
2 (10m 22s):
No, I'm just thinking, God, what would you find in my brain? It's known when you go into like an electronic store and they have all the TVs on, so you can see how cool the picture is. I think that's probably what my brain looks like. I'm not add can multiple thoughts at once. I can hold multiple ideas at once. Things that I, I mean, I, one of those memories that like I'll bump into someone on the street and have no clue what their name is, but I can tell you what our last conversation was, where I saw them, what I, you know, so my brain, my brain's a little different than everybody else's maybe me and Mike Mendell.
2 (11m 3s):
We might have the same brain. I'm incredibly driven, whether it's, you know, I mean, like my vacations are so tight Bay. I'm not going to park it on a beach for a week. I might lay there for an hour or two, but for the most part, like I want to see the sites. I want to explore these things. I want to find stuff that no one's found. I want to go to that hotel. It's haunted. I want to, you know, go to the ruins. I want to Splunk. I want to scuba dive. I want to, I want to experience everything. I want to suck up every opportunity, whether that's business or pleasure. And I don't know exactly where that came from. I think part of it is I lost my mom young.
2 (11m 44s):
And when you watch that as a kid and you realize that life is ridiculously fragile and that you never know at any given moment, if you're going to have a next moment, I think that was very real for me, very early. My favorite grandmother died when I was eight and my mom died when I was 18 and I have not stopped losing people like just, you know, friends, family, friends, family. And I think that really changes. Tell your brain works. I, I, so I think it's made me realize, you know, seize the day now, which I mean, that's the pole of seize the day. You can't see the day tomorrow, but I think that's part of it. I think seeing how fragile life was made me realize I want to live every single moment of life.
2 (12m 26s):
I want to experience everything. I want to taste it. I want to smell it. I want to ha why would I not want to have that feeling? And so I've lived in my life from that place of go for it. So when I have a business idea, I go for it. You know, I, I, there's not much that stops me. Do I have fear about it? Sure. Do I have the station? Yes. Do I have people going, what the hell is wrong? You're crazy. Why are you doing that? Yeah. And you just have to decide to go. You just have to do it. You have to jump off the cliff and do it.
1 (12m 54s):
Yeah. I love that in that, that lines up so much. I watched your Ted talk where you talked about work, hug carpaccio. And if it's not putting you too much on the spot, I'm going to ask you to share that story. But as I was listening, I was thinking, you know, this, this idea that you have underneath, and I want to share this with people who are listening, you can model this, what Kathy is showing you. She's telling you how she does this with a, just go for it attitude. And I know the places where I've leaped forward in my business have been when I have stopped being afraid and thought, what if like, what if this will work and just give it a shot. So will you talk to us about word hug, carpaccio and seizing the moment
2 (13m 33s):
I will, but here's what I want to say first. So when I'm coaching people and people give me all kinds of things, I was coaching a client today and not to give too much personal detail away. But his thing was either I moved to this other country and I leave my relationship, or I stay in the relationship and I don't move to this other country. And I, you know, either way I'm losing something. And I said, well, what about these other options? There's a myriad number of options. We just have to be creative with it. And our brain looks towards negative things because it's trying to protect us. Totally understand that. And also move towards things that are familiar. So the more we practice positivity and practice getting those things, we want the more opportunities we're going to have to get what we want.
2 (14m 17s):
One to throw that out there first. So warthog, carpaccio. I love food. I love food. I love wine. I love wine so much. It's a mindfulness practice. It's an experience. It's a ritual. It's I love it. And so I went to South Africa, I was hired to do a big keynote. They sent me to a Safari resort, which was amazing. And then I spent a couple of days on my own in Cape town. And I said to the owner of my bed and breakfast, I said, I want to go to a real South African restaurant. I don't want to go where the tourists go. I want the most authentic I can have. And he goes, ah, and he sent me to this place. I walked in, they had dancers and they had music and it was amazing.
2 (14m 59s):
And the way your takes one, look at me and hands me, this very Americanized menu. And I looked at it and I went, no, I want like, what would you eat? And he goes up and he brings those over the border professionals, hand room on a chalkboard. And one of the things was we're hog carpaccio. And I'm thinking, why would I not try that? Like when the hell am I ever going to get fricking warthog carpaccio again, now granted three days earlier on the game drive, I saw ward hogs, which was kind of interesting. So I actually, I ended up going back to this restaurant two nights in a row because I want to try all this food. So I had all this game, this game meat that I'm not going to find anywhere else.
2 (15m 42s):
And the word hog carpaccio was so good. It was so beautifully prepared. It was just such an amazing experience. And when I tell, first of all, my father lost his mind. When I said I had that, cause he's a state potatoes salad, iceberg, lettuce, ranch dressing, kind of guy, nothing adventurous about him from eating perspective. So he thought that was the most disgusting thing ever. And I said, you know what, here's the deal. I said, when am I going to get to try that again? And if I don't like it, you know what? I don't have to eat it. And they brought me a side dish. I think it was called like pop or something like that. It was this white look like I could spackle something with it and I smelled it and went, ah, and I tried it and I went, that is disgusting.
2 (16m 22s):
I didn't say that. Of course I didn't need it. You don't have to. There's no clean plate club. I know some of you are going, yes, there is there. There's no clean play club. Nowhere is it written that you have to do that. That's an old, outdated belief system that you have to eat everything on your plate. You don't have to, but try something new. And so to me, it's like every place I travel, I want the local food. I want the local wine with a little local experience. I want to sit with locals and talk to them about their life. I don't want to go by what I see in the news or what I read and Rick Steves or what I want that personal experience. When did you start using hypnosis? Let's see. So I started, well, I've been doing hypnosis since like junior high.
2 (17m 7s):
I don't know how I found it, but I was always fascinated by it. So I was the one in high school playing with, gosh, what is his name? Oh man. He just passed away recently. Not Steven Halpern. Anyway, there's a gentleman that he did a lot of tapes. I'm dating myself. And so I was doing these visualization tape and I was doing self-hypnosis. I was doing past life regression in college. I started with Roger <inaudible>. Who's also no longer with us, unfortunately. And so I was the one on Friday nights in college, regressing my friends to pass lives while everybody else was partying. I was that person. I think I was, I wonder why I didn't have any friends.
2 (17m 46s):
Me and the two other nerds were sitting there and you had in life regression that Ross is drinking and getting high and I'm doing regression. I added it officially to my practice probably six or seven years ago. I studied in. Yeah. And right after I showed up at, at hypno thoughts, I think I'd been there all but well this past year because of COVID, but I've been, I did still speak. So I've been there all, but I think the first year I think I joined up the second year and I've been consistently there since, so it's yeah. That's incredible. So fabulous.
1 (18m 16s):
Yes. And I know the, the, the presentation that I heard of you, yours, you were talking about the importance of putting yourself out there of telling everybody what you do. So if you were to give a piece of advice to someone who's just starting out, who's perhaps feeling a little bit scared and hasn't yet adopted that, that, what if attitude, like, let's just see what happens, attitude. What advice would you give to someone who's just starting out and is terrified that this isn't going to work?
2 (18m 46s):
Well, if you're terrified it's not going to work, then it's not going to work. I mean, that's just, that's just math. I mean, that's just how it goes. Make sure you're really good at what you do. Make sure you're at a competent level that the people that are coming to you are truly going to get a good service. No, I mean, that's the first thing I am assuming that everyone that's listening is, is already good at what they do. That's why they're tuning in. So you just have to then know that, you know, and I will never forget. It was my first day of freshman acting. I was a theater major and we sat in a big circle and it was horribly intimidating because I was the best actress in my high school. I had a lead, I won the award and I suddenly found myself, look at this group and going, these were all the best actors in their school.
2 (19m 27s):
They all won the awards. I'm no longer good. I'm surrounded by people who are probably half better than me. And it was terrifying. It was this horrible revelation of maybe I wanted to stay in my home town where I could just be the big fish in a small pond. And the teacher went around the room, surely Tannenbaum. She was incredible. She went around the room and we said, why we wanted to be there. And did we want to be famous? Which was a trick question because she didn't want people who wanted to be famous. And she turned to one of the students and she said to her, are you a good actor? And a student went, Oh yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm good. And she goes, you're fired. Screw it. Turn to another students that are you a good actor? And he went, hell yeah. And she goes, great. You just got the job. And she said, if you learn nothing else from this class, if you can't tell me that you're a good actor, why are I gonna hire you?
2 (20m 14s):
She goes, cause there's every single person in this room. That's just as good. If not better than you who are going to tell me, they're good. I can tell you exactly what I'm terrible at. And I can tell you what I'm really good at. So it's like you have to have that self-awareness and that self authority to, to prune that little bonsai tree and know what you are and are not good at. And if you're not good at it and you want to do it, get good at it.
1 (20m 40s):
I love that. That's beautiful advice. And what would you say to a person who's not sure, you know, maybe they have just completed a training. They've started practicing these techniques with a few friends and they aren't sure they're good at it yet. What is the best way to, to become proficient at one of these new skills,
2 (20m 58s):
Feedback, feedback, feedback, you know, ask people who this is, where I sometimes think friends and family aren't the best because they're going to so often. Oh, that was so good. You did so good. And then they realized you didn't do so good. Ask another hypnotherapist or another dancer or another trippy. I mean, I'll ask someone in the know, was that good? You know, and I studied at a school that I could do mostly distance and only pop up part of the time. And I was stunned at the amount of people who were terrified. Do you hypnotize someone near the end of the program? And I'm thinking, how long have we been doing you better be able to get someone in trance quickly?
2 (21m 40s):
You know, how are you doing this? And not knowing that you have confidence to even put the person in hypnosis, forget the scripts and the techniques and all that crap after it, you have to be able to sit the person in or else you're not really doing the thing you just studied. So practice it, ask other people who know, you know, I'm not going to turn to someone off the street and go, what'd you think of my truck? He used Trek because they're going to be blown away. That's the coolest thing ever. It's sucked. I'm going to ask someone in my class. Can you watch this? Can you video this? Can you, you've got to ask someone that has the same, if not more knowledge than you. If what you just did was good.
1 (22m 15s):
Excellent. And a big piece of what I'm hearing is, is that practice. You have to actually be using these tools and implementing them. And there are a lot of safe places. You can do this. There are so many practice groups, even virtual ones online that you can do with other therapists. You are not going to get better. Trying to think about getting better, trying to psych yourself up for being ready. You have to actually start using it and it's going to be scary and it's okay to do it. Anyway. One of my mentors, when I was a hairstylist was the owner of my salon. And I remember him sitting me down at the table and saying, Lori, one of the most valuable things you can ever do is ask for feedback. And this is like my personality type. I love words of affirmation.
1 (22m 55s):
And so it killed me when people would start to give me feedback, I wanted to get so defensive and get my feelings hurt. And I still often will do that for a second. I'll get my feelings hurt. I'll feel defensive. And then it's like, thank you. You have given me a gift because the people who are willing to be honest with you like to say, yeah, your butt does look big in those pants. Those are the people that you can trust. And the people that are going to help you grow, you know, hopefully your butt's not growing, but you know, the people that are gonna, that are gonna help you move forward in life as the people that are willing to be honest about where you can, can improve.
2 (23m 30s):
Exactly feedback is great. And I just heard someone say this and I realize it's the most wise thing. Now, if it's you're in the dressing room and it's does, does my butt look fat in this dress? Don't wait until the person buys it, wears it to the cocktail party to go, Oh yeah, it does a little too late. If it's something like, Hey, you know, I worked with this client today. Can you watch this video and tell me what you think, or I just got off stage doing a performance. Can you tell me what you think? We are only ready to accept the negative feedback? I'm about two to three days later. We want to hear when we step off stage is that you were fucking amazing. It was the best thing ever. We're not ready to hear the negative feedback. At that point. We're still riding the high of what we just did.
2 (24m 11s):
So if someone hits you with negative feedback and to that point, it's going to throw you completely off. At least this is what I'm finding to be real in my life. I get speaker feedback sometimes, right? That moment, you know, they'll fill out a form and I'll get to look at them sometimes it's weeks later, when it's weeks later, I'm not as offended by the person that said she talked too fast. It stressed me out. I'm like, no one yet other people said it was hilarious. So whatever had I heard that right afterwards, I probably would have beat myself up a little bit about
1 (24m 44s):
Tell me where the balance is. Because I remember like after I gave my hypnotherapy talk this year, my first talk two years ago was a standing room, only room. And it just, I was really happy with how it went and I felt so great at the end. And then this year I went and there were four people in the room and it was like one of the biggest rooms, the room that Freddie Jaquin had been in last year. And there are four people in there cause there's almost no one at the whole conference. And I just felt like the whole thing was, it was just a joke. Like I was so not proud of myself and I'm walking upstairs. And I remember on my way back to the hotel room, just beating myself up and thinking, well, next time I'm going to do this better and I should have done this.
1 (25m 25s):
And so I think there's this balance and especially right at the end, like you're saying of just congratulating yourself for doing it, for doing it in perfectly for taking action. At least you're one of the brave ones who's putting yourself out there. So will you speak to that?
2 (25m 40s):
Yeah, I think it is. It is finding out what is, what is true? What do I know to be true? I asked myself that all the time and feelings aren't fact. So is it something you did, could you have written the description differently? Could you have advertised it more? Could have maybe I don't know. Was it the fact that there were fewer people at the conference because running a global pandemic, was it that you were opposite of somebody that always fills the room? Was it the luck of the draw scheduling wise? Was it the last of the day on the last day was people have gone home. You know, there's, there's rational reasons why things happen and there's always ways to improve what we do.
2 (26m 25s):
So you have to definitely find the balance in that. I'm sure it was nothing that you personally did the weird, and I know there's been times where I've had my talk and it just happens. Luck of the draw I'm opposite of Jason Lanette or Ken Gutow Freddy Jacqueline. I'm like, well, no, one's coming to mind. You know, it's just, but people start and you always have to know that everybody that ends up exactly where they are supposed to be. I did a talk in Sacramento. There was this huge book fair. And so they contacted me and said, we'd love to give you a booth with your books. We'd love to have you do our main room keynote on stress.
2 (27m 8s):
We're not going to charge you it, we can't pay you, but we're not going to charge you anything. And I went and I went, what the heck? I didn't have anything else to do. I had in-laws up there. So I hauled all my books. I drove up to Sacramento and I stood at this booth for three days with my books, which is something I don't normally do anymore. I remembered why. And they put me in the giant room. I mean, this was a freaking auditorium in his library. It could have sat, probably 500 people. And I get there and I get everything set up and my PowerPoints ready to go. And I'm doing my thing. And I look out and there's my in-laws in the audience, huge auditorium. My in-laws in the audience.
2 (27m 49s):
And I went, Am I in the wrong like, Nope, that was right where I was supposed to be. And you know, front row, my five in-laws with the camera ready to go. And I'm like, Oh shit. One of the like helpers volunteer people comes by and she pops her head in. She kind of looks around, kinda makes a face. And then she goes, Kathy, do you need anything before you get started? And I said, yeah, I need a dozen people. And she goes, okay. Later here comes this woman with 12 people white. And I'm thinking, what do you do? She walked into the break room where all the volunteers were having lunch and said, you all come with me?
2 (28m 32s):
We're going to watch a talk. My next thought was, Oh God. Now I'm with these people that don't want to be here. They were trying to have their lunch. They don't know who I am. They did not choose to be here. Cause they were all like 18 to 25, two. And I'm like, Oh, this is going to suck. Like they don't want it. They don't care what I'm saying. They spread out throughout the auditorium. So it made it look like more people. And I did my talk and I had laughter and I had tears and I had amazing applause. I sold a book to pretty much every person that came and I had all of these kids. I'll say kids come up to me afterwards and go, Oh my God, this was just what I needed to hear.
2 (29m 13s):
And I was having so much stress because I'm just graduating and I don't know what I want to do. And you know, can I get your books? And can I call you with questions? And, and my in-laws got to see me perform for the first time ever. It was such an amazing experience, which I wouldn't have had if there were 500 people shoved in that auditorium, everything unfolded exactly the way it should have. And I get a good story. It was for people there reason. And they got out of your presentation that they were supposed to have. And then people watch the video later. So I stopped questioning these things. It's just, it is what it is. And everything's exactly as that as it should be in that moment.
1 (29m 53s):
I love that. And that's such a beautiful thing for anyone listening to model as well, that idea that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, that this is how it's supposed to happen. I tell myself that all the time and I'm not totally sure it's true, but I know that believing it sure does make my life a whole lot happier.
2 (30m 9s):
Yeah. Mean, you could tell yourself whatever story you want. You can tell yourself the scary story of, Oh God, I suck. That's why no one showed up, which you don't know to be true or it make up whatever story you want. I mean, it was like, this is what our brain does anyway. We're going to replay the stuff. So make it a happy ending.
1 (30m 26s):
Yeah, for sure. Regarding your seven books, if you think back to when you wrote that very first book and your most recent book, what would today, Kathy, tell that very first time author Kathy, about the process of writing a book.
2 (30m 43s):
Whew. I did all of my books exactly the way I wanted to. So I think, I think I would reiterate that don't compromise things. The first publisher I used was a self publishing program. This was before we had Amazon and, and, and create space and now KDP, that sort of thing I could have been, I don't know. I don't know that I'd change anything really. I think I'd relax more and be confident that I was doing the right thing. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure it was right and perfect.
2 (31m 23s):
And, but that's just sort of, sort of me anyway. So I could, I mean, I can tell myself to relax more with everything. I don't know. I I'm so proud of my first book. I'm proud of all of my books. I'm working on my eighth right now. So I honestly don't know that I'd change. I think maybe telling myself to relax more, take more time with it. I think I felt rushed. It was the tyranny of the urgent. I think I could have been more careful with laying it out and the editing. So yeah. Slow it down. Just relax into the process.
1 (31m 55s):
And before I'll, I'll wrap this up in the next few minutes, I know you have obligations, but I would love to hear more about trapeze and the lessons that you've learned as a trapeze artist, how they map across to the rest of life.
2 (32m 7s):
Yeah. Trapeze. I thought it was going to be this like one time thing, cross it off the list. I, I couldn't say I did it now sort of thing. And I became so addicted so fast. It is the most fun every year at hypno thoughts, I take a group of people we're going to go again this year or you know, next year, whatever 20, 21 it's it's mindfulness practice. Because if you're not truly present in each moment of it, it gets screwed up. Swinging is the most complicated thing I think I've ever done in my life. Swinging, jumping off swing swing. It's so freaking hard to get the timing right, to get the body position, right?
2 (32m 51s):
And as soon as you change, this is how it's a parallel for life. As soon as you change one aspect of it, it changes everything moving forward. So if I do this part differently than everything, moving forward is different. You have to adjust everything when you make a change. But also, you know, we all have these things that scare us. It's a mindfulness practice in that you have to stay present. You have to listen for those calls because if you skip what the person's saying, you can either get hurt, which I've done three times or at the very least like you missed your trick. You don't do the thing, right. It doesn't work out. So it's about being present in that moment. And it's a parallel for life and that, you know, there's something we have to do that scares us or that we want to do that scares us.
2 (33m 35s):
And that's sort of like trapeze. So you stand at the base of that ladder and it looks really high. It's like 25 feet tall and you start to climb this very shaky ladder and you get to the top and it's unstable and you're not sure what to hold on to. And they had to a really heavy bar, which is that thing you've got to do. And then you jump off that board or they push you. If you won't jump, we'll finally just push you and you fly and you, your trick and somebody catches you. Or if they don't, there's a net. And I think that's what we forget is there's always a net. There's always a person, a thing, an idea, our own inner wise, pers our own inner strength that will catch us and allow that fall to not be as catastrophic as we think it's going to be.
2 (34m 26s):
And I've been to so many trapeze clot, hundreds of trapeze glasses and every so many there's someone who is terrified just this last weekend, there was a woman that spent 10 minutes up there going, I can't do it and she'd let go. And then she'd grab it. I can't do it. You know? And finally she did it. And then on her second time up, it took her a little bit, still, not as quick. I mean, not as long as it took the first time, but by the third time she was doing
4 (34m 53s):
The somersault, she said it
2 (34m 55s):
Was the most exhilarating thing she's ever done. She's ready to come back. She said, she's never felt so much pride at being able to overcome the fear of doing that. And I think that's what happens when we actually dive in and just, you know, take that leap. So this is, you know, trapeze is it's, it's become a community for me. It's become my favorite exercise. The rig here in town is how I met my boyfriend. You know, trapeze has added so much to my life and I encourage you. It doesn't have to be trapeze, but you're a hypnotherapist and your thoughts live next year and you want to come with us. Hell yeah, let's go do it every year. But try something.
2 (35m 36s):
It doesn't have to be word hard. Carpaccio. Doesn't have to be, trappy use maybe it's, you know, a different drive to work. Maybe it's a different order from your favorite place that delivers maybe it's, you know, I mean, there's so many things we can do to step outside our comfort zone, to stretch ourselves and grow you're you're not still lifting the same weight you were when you were two, you grow and you evolve. And I think we forget that it's the same thing in life that we just have to push ourselves a little bit. Doesn't have to be huge, but it's a progressive step forward to get those things you want. I think we forget about that a lot.
1 (36m 13s):
Absolutely. So this jumped out at me. This is kind of a personal my, for my own personal gratification. And if it doesn't go anywhere, I can edit this out. But you mentioned that you've hurt yourself three times and I'm wondering, is there one that stands out to you? And if so, what did you learn from that? If you could go back and not hurt yourself and not get that lesson, would you
2 (36m 37s):
No. Oh, I would hurt myself again. I mean, which sounds so weird, but it, it was, it was a lesson in that it was my first time flying without safety lines. And when you take off the safety lines, you take off the safety, it's in the title. And I was at a rig that I had never flown at before. So that was different. I made my first trick with no safety lines. So invigorating, coolest thing ever. I did my trick. And one of the goals when you start to get good is you want to do your trick and then you want to return to the bar that you left and then you get back up on the board. It's called round trip. I had never done that before.
2 (37m 18s):
So I did my trick out of lines. I swung with the catcher. I turned and Oh my God, the bar was there and I grabbed the bar and I was like, I'm getting on the board. I'm getting on the board. And I went to swing up to get on the board. And I didn't realize I had grabbed the bar like that. And not like that. I was thinking too far forward. I wasn't in that present moment, I was thinking to the next thing. And I was so pressuring myself to get on the board that I forgot. I didn't do the step before that, which was grabbed the fucking bar. I didn't have it. Right, right. I should have left the bar. I should have pushed it out of the way and not taken it. But I was so set on and I think it was part of it too.
2 (37m 58s):
Everybody else is getting back on the board. Am I the only one that's not getting back on the board? And there was that pressure of, I was surrounded by people who were so good and I let that influence my present moment. I was trying to compete. Cause I do that with the people around me rather than having my reality and just taking that Holy crap. I just did my first stuff out of lions. Why was that? Not enough. And I think that's also a habit of mine. You know, the day my diploma came from my PhD, I turned to my client and said, Oh good. Now I'm going to do blah, blah, blah. And she goes, stop it. And I said, what? And I don't normally have clients yelling at me. She's like, you just shit all over your PhD.
2 (38m 40s):
You literally just got the diploma. Can you just be with that for a minute before you start planning the next thing. And I went, yeah, but it's, you know, it takes people around us who are going to call us on our bullshit. And that's what you like, what are you, what are you doing? Yes, congrats. What do you mean now? The next thing, can you just be with that thing? And I think that's one of the downsides of being as driven as I am is it's, what's the next thing. This is why I can't possibly climb Mount Everest, Carle next big mountain. And I don't want to do that. You know? So yeah. So there's that place of balance of yes.
2 (39m 20s):
Achieve things. And, you know, I listened to my bio every time I do a show like this and I go, Oh my God, I done like such cool stuff. Like this is so impressive to me of the things that I've been able to accomplish. And at what point do I say that's enough? Can I just sit at home with my boyfriend and play Dungeons and dragons? What's the balance.
1 (39m 42s):
Yeah. I love that. I so appreciate you sharing that because I think that is a common experience for many people. There've been moments in glimpses when you've been able to do that, to just sit with your boyfriend and play Dungeons and dragons. And how would you recommend to someone else to cultivate that? Because I found when we, when we're recommending to other people, sometimes it gets in here too and helps to transform things for ourselves.
2 (40m 9s):
Yeah. There's a global pandemic that, I mean, it was the best thing. One of the best things that came out of it for me was that pause. And it's funny because when I teach meditation and breath work and mindfulness, and that's where I talk about taking a pause and in that pause there's power because it gives us the opportunity to decide whether we're going to respond or whether we're going to react. And I do that when I do my breath work. And I do that in these little bits when I meditate. But I, I realized I wasn't actually pausing in my life. And you know, I was seeing 25, 30 clients a week.
2 (40m 49s):
I was dancing five days a week. I was doing trapeze when I could, I was traveling with speaking gigs. I was working on the next book. I mean, my to-do list was endless. It still is. And I realized that in being that busy, I was running towards this success that it was never going to end. There's always going to be the next thing. And I was running away from a relationship that I didn't want to be in. So staying that busy was a great way to not have time to deal with that thing that I didn't want to be in. And we have to ask ourselves, why am I so busy? Why am I choosing again? And again, and again, to fill that plate when I'm not hungry anymore.
2 (41m 31s):
So when COVID hit and my, my business closed and the speaking gigs ended and I sat in my house going, Oh shit. And you know what, I didn't do. I didn't write my book and I didn't reach out to people. And I watched friends of mine get gig after gig, after gig and the writing of, you know, talking about all this stuff they're doing. And I went, I need a break. And I think it was the first breath I took in 20 years of starting my practice, massage, hypnosis, all this. And so it gave me a chance to sit and go, what do I want, not what do I think I should have?
2 (42m 11s):
Not what others and no one's pressuring me. It's all me, what am I pressuring myself to do? What do I think I'm supposed to be doing? You know, what I want to do is lamb a hammock with a glass of wine at one o'clock on a Wednesday and play Pokemon. So I did, I binge watched TV shows. I mean, like, and I was talking with, we had had a little quick Facebook exchange, Richard Barker. Who's another amazing hypnotist. And just as type a as me, if not more, I'm not telling tale. Sure. He admit that. And you know, he said that one of the greatest things that came out of COVID for him was realizing he was too busy and to allow him to take a break. So I think it motivated people to be not as motivated. And I can fully attribute to my new life perspective on having that forced pause, having someone push the button and go sit there and be quiet for a second.
2 (43m 2s):
That's so good.
1 (43m 2s):
Beautiful. And so from that perspective and having that pause, what advice would you give yourself or someone else moving forward when this pandemic has, who knows what's, what's going to happen or when it's going to happen, but when things return to some sort of normalicy or the new normal, what, what would you do in the future to ensure you get that pause when you need it?
2 (43m 23s):
Yeah. Well, you have to decide what's important to you. And if it is about, I want $200,000 a year, if that's truly your value and that's totally cool. I think we all deserve to make as much money as we want. The universe is abundant and we deserve that prosperity. If your value is to work yourself ragged and make a shit ton of money, go do that thing. That's awesome. And I think for a while, that was my drive. I was looking for that security. I was looking for that well, but what if I can't work? And I, you know, I was in that lack mindset that was making me work more and more and more and more, more. And now I realize what I value is laying in a hammock and reading and spending a night, binge watching something with my boyfriend or going on day trips.
2 (44m 7s):
I mean, there were afternoons where we'd spend the day at the beach or we drive to somewhere and hang out for a couple hours. I wasn't doing that before I was too busy working. And so I realized everything's going to be fine. You're going to have enough, you know, it, you just have to know what you want. And I think this is why I work with people if their values, because if your value is autonomy, family, you know, communication, adventure, you're not going to make the same choices as if your values are fame, money, attention, admiration, you know, that kind of thing. So know who you are, know what you want. And then you can move forward on the path to get it.
2 (44m 49s):
But if you don't know what you want, you know, you don't, you don't get into an Uber and say, okay, and hope they take you somewhere. Good. You know where you want to go. And then you trust that, that map, whether it's ways or the Uber driver or the train is going to take you to where you want to go, you don't have to know the route. You just have to know the destination and the routes can unfold in front of you.
1 (45m 12s):
I love that so much. So do you have time for a couple more questions? Okay. This one also is for my own personal gratification and we can edit it out. If we need to. I recently had someone I've actually had two people say this to me in the past few days that most hypnotists are not working. Full-time they're not creating, they're not creating a sustainable income. And I have seen this in my own observation. I know several hypnotists who are doing extremely well and are running referral only practices. And so I'm curious what your perspective is on this and what advice you would give a person who is perhaps struggling as a hypnotist and wanting to establish a practice where they can thrive and care for their, you know, be a breadwinner.
2 (45m 59s):
Yeah. Well, that's, that's, that's a hard one. Cause it's, there's not an easy answer to that. It's such an individual thing. You gotta be good at what you do. You gotta be able to language that you're good at what you do, and you have to know how to find those people. So when I do my marketing talks, that's one thing I talk about, you know, who is your ideal audience? And it's interesting because I can take it back more to the massage thing. When I first started doing massage, I marketed every place I could. I did articles for local papers. I did ads in local publications. I went to mixtures, I went to women's events. I went to places where I set up a fricking table and sat there all day, massaging runners and cyclists for free and hoping to go.
2 (46m 43s):
I mean, I did everything. I took all the spaghetti and I went to see what the duck, it was exhausting, but incredibly successful. I mean, I went from zero to completely full practice. In a matter of months, I hit six figures probably the second year in, because I was busting my butt. I hired a bunch of therapists. I mean, it skyrocketed. I was also, I didn't have good boundaries. So if someone called and they wanted a massage, I took it. Even if it was a technique I didn't like, or I had to drive too far, or I wish they were paying me more. But I don't know how to ask for that. Or, you know, looking back at that, I would change so many things of how I start my practice, not change, how I wrote the book definitely changed how I did.
2 (47m 29s):
I had clients, I couldn't stand. They were abusive to me. They were at boundary issues. I didn't know how to fire them. I needed their money, all these stories we tell ourselves. So I think it's a matter of knowing what you want. And over time I realized I hated doing Swedish massage. I hated doing house calls because it was exhausting. I hated doing Swedish massage and I didn't like doing spa stuff. So once I realized that, and then I can say, look, I like deep tissue trigger point. I like working with people who are either injured, elderly, pregnant, know their bodies and need what I do. If you want me to come to your house, I'm charging you a lot more. Cause I don't like it. So I think once you start to realize what you want, what does your ideal practice look like?
2 (48m 11s):
What does your day look like? Do you wake up at six and hit the ground running? Do you wake up a 10 lounge in bed with your spouse before your day starts, you know, set those parameters and then create from there. Because again, you have to know what you want. And the pause that Covid gave me his, now I know what I want. I don't want to be working as hard as I was before. So how do I make the same amount of money? Do I raise my rates? Do I have a package? Do I do some online thing where people can download stuff and I make passive income? Do I up my speaking gigs? Do, I mean, there's so many things you can change depending on what you want. So though, I just spent a lot of time answering that question after I said, it's not an easy answer.
2 (48m 56s):
Yeah. I don't know if that answered the question, but you have to know what you want. What is your ideal practice look like? How much money do you want to make story? Cause I love telling stories when I was an actor in LA, I wanted more acting gigs. Of course that's why I was in Hollywood. And so I started doing the affirmation. I am a, how did I phrase it? I am a working actor. I'm a working actor. We're working after and we're working at well. Then I realized, well, yeah, hell yeah, I'm working like crazy. Doing all these shows for free. I'm a paid professional actor. I'm a paid professional actor. I was saying that, saying that, saying that I got my first paid gig. I was doing touring children's theater. I was going up and down the coast of California.
2 (49m 38s):
And I was educating these kids and I was doing these really fun shows and I was getting paid five bucks an hour. Oh the universe. I was a paid professional actor. I needed to be more specific. And so if you talk to someone like Victoria, Gallagher, who does, you know, law of attraction stuff, my God be specific with what you want. I wasn't specific. So now when I chart out things like that, I'm like, look, I want 10 clients a week. I want this much money a year. I want this many days off. I want this many days for vacation. I want spell it out precisely. And then your brain goes, Ooh, okay. What can I do to get that thing?
1 (50m 16s):
That's excellent. You, I love that answer. I love everything about that answer because I feel like there's nuggets there for everyone. I once had someone talk about, I think I was doing a with Freddy Jaquin and we were talking about the business end of, of hypnosis and how to build the business. And one of the, somebody in the chat said, well, I don't really want to, I just want to work part time. And I don't want to work that hard to bring clients in it. And I wanted to type, you need to find a new industry because for me, I think there's this balance between what you just said, really getting laser-focused on what it is you want. And then that fine tunes, the reticular activating system, to start to notice all these actions you can take.
1 (50m 59s):
And if you're not taking action, and if you don't love this so much that you're willing to eat, sleep and breathe it while finding that balance and cuddling with your boyfriend while you watch play Dungeons and dragons. I don't think that a person, I mean, I could be wrong, but it's highly unlikely that a person is going to find success without, without a piece of that drive.
2 (51m 21s):
I agree with that. And I think it had so many talks with younger people about, you know, what they really want to do and what their parents forced them into. And you know, I'm, I'm stunned in this day and age, still parents like making their kids go to college. Like I would talk about talking to a client for passion massage and she was doing her PhD at the same time. I was, I was doing it like 20 years later than she was. And we were talking about our programs and she said, you know, it must be really nice to like what you're doing. And I said, what do you mean? I said, do you not like your PhD? It was in psychology. And she said, no, I really don't like the program at all.
2 (52m 1s):
And I said, well then why are you spending all this time and money to do a PhD? Which is not an easy process. If you're not into that thing. She said, well, my parents are making me and I was floored by that. And I said, okay, well, what do you think you want to do? And she said, well, this is kind of stupid. And I went, no, no, no, there's no stupid. I was a theater major. So come on, she goes, I really want to be a Baker. And I said, really? She said, I love baking for my friends. I just, I love that. I watch all the shows. I just, I like to run a bakery. And I just don't like that. That's the coolest thing ever. I said, well, have you ever worked in a bakery? And she goes, no, you know, I'm always in school. And I said, I have an assignment for you. She goes, okay. I said, you're approaching summer break.
2 (52m 43s):
Do you actually get to take a summer break? She said, yeah. I said, do you have to have a job? She said, yeah. My parents make me not a surprise. And I said, okay, I want you to contact the bakeries in town. See if you can get a job. I said, even if you like intern for a week where you don't get paid, just get in that environment and see if you like it. And she said, Oh my God, I never thought about that. That's a really good idea. Six months later, she comes back and she said, Kathy, you changed my life, which we love to hear. Right. But I didn't know what, I didn't remember what she was talking about. And I said, really? I said, how the hell did I do that? She goes, I got a G do you remember our conversation about our PhDs? By the time I was finished with mine, she was still doing hers and I Oh yeah, yeah.
2 (53m 24s):
That you didn't like it. I said, well, what? She goes, you know, I got a job this past summer in a bakery. And I said, Oh my God. He said, that is so cool. I said, how was it? She looked at me. She goes, I fucking hated it. And I went really. And she goes, I realized that I like baking for fun. That is not what I would want to do for a career. And it made me realize that what I could do with my PhD and she just launched into this whole thing, exuberant about the opportunity she was going to have with his PhD, regrets, regrets, to the worst thing ever. And now she doesn't have to get to 80 and wonder if she should have been a Baker. She experimented with it enough to realize that she can make that decision with confidence and with knowledge and with all the information, you know, it's like holding up two bags, which one do you want?
2 (54m 13s):
Well, what's in them. Can't tell you, you need know what's in the bag before you make an informed decision. And once you have that knowledge, that knowledge is power. And so she followed my advice, which was so phenomenal to know, and it changed her life. So if you don't want to do that thing, stop doing it. You know, if you're not truly jazzed by it, if you're not living it, breathing it for that moment, then don't do it. If it's a struggle, it's not the right thing for you.
0 (54m 41s):
This is so phenomenal. I feel like I could take any segment of this conversation and turn it into a standalone words of wisdom with Cathy. What is the best way for someone who is intrigued to follow up and learn more about you and connect with you?
2 (54m 57s):
Yeah, absolutely. So I've got a couple sites. Kathy gruver.com is where all my books are. You can find out about my speaking. There's a couple lectures though, that you can watch Kathy gruver.coach is how to find me. If you want to do business, coaching, life, coaching, stress, relationships, all that good stuff. Healing circle hypnotherapy is my hypnosis site. Yeah. And I'm on all the social media. I'm all over Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn. I miss anything all over YouTube. You can see me doing crazy trap use tricks. So yeah, I love chatting with people. I love helping people with their business and moving forward. So let me know if I can help
0 (55m 33s):
Amazing. I will link to all those things as well as link to your books. And I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have been so excited about this. I have wanted to connect with you since I first heard that conversation. So thank you from the bottom of my heart and thank you to everyone for listening. I'm so grateful. You've listened all the way to the end. What is one tiny action step you'll take now based on an aha moment you got during the podcast, maybe that life changing action step is to come accept the gift I have for [email protected] Head there right now to get your powerful, hypnosis audio, the answer room that lets you make important decisions and get crystal clear about your next step forward on this path of purpose in your one.
0 (56m 26s):
Great and precious life.